So here today, I am exactly 6 months post op. And tomorrow, my mom starts her amazing journey. I love you mom and am praying for you! As of my scale this morning, I am down exactly 95 lbs. yes that is not a typo I really said 95 lbs!! Everything has gone amazingly well. And, just as I was told pre-surgery, my emotions are going wild. I look at myself in the mirror, and sometimes wonder who it is looking back at me. I don't recognize myself any more. Other times I look at myself, and I still see the same fat girl that was there before surgery. I know I'm wearing smaller clothes. But still those days come, and those are the days I'm the hardest on myself. I know I shouldn't be, because I have come a long way from 6 months ago. I've gone from a 3x/4x shirt to an xl almost a large. I've gone from a 24/26 pants to 14/16 pants. I know this is an incredible feat, but I still have feelings that I'm still that same fat girl. I know people around me have noticed the change in me. I get compliments all the time on how good I look. People I haven't seen in a while don't recognize me most times right at first. It takes them a few moments to realize it's me they are talking to. I've also noticed more positive attention from strangers. I get flirted with more then I use to. That is taking some getting use to. People have always been nice, but this is a different feeling for me. And having these feelings have brought up some other feelings I've had before. Thoughts on fat discrimination. I'd never thought I'd been discriminated against for being fat, until I became thinner, and saw the difference in the way people treat me.
Fat discrimination is out there. It's a very real thing. People judge you based on the way you look. If you are fat, they assume you don't take care of yourself, you don't care, and that you are lazy. Coming from being as big as I was before, I notice this more now that I'm thinner. It's sad that we there are laws against discrimination about gender, sexual orientation, race and age, but nothing about weight. Most people who are overweight, know they are. Some don't care, but I bet if you sat down and talk to those people, you would find most of them do care what they look like, maybe they just haven't found the right solution, or they don't have the option of surgery, like myself. I was to the point where I hated myself. And because I hated myself, I thought others hated me too. How could I, this fat, short, unattractive person be lovable to anyone. I even questioned myself if my husband really loved me. I never wanted to admit these things before because I thought I was ok with being fat. I wasn't ok. I just learned to hide it from everyone. If you asked anyone that knows me, they would tell you at 300 lbs, I was a happy person. I wasn't happy. I was miserable. I just learned to push my feelings about myself deep down. Now that I don't have the weight to hide behind any more, these feelings are starting to resurface, and the only way to work through them, is to admit them.
On my good days I love myself, I'm happy where I am. I've come a long way. But, on my bad days, I still question if I'm good enough...I still question if my husband loves me. I still question if I'm good enough for him. I know these are crazy questions because I'm the smallest I've ever been since we've been together. I'm learning to love myself again. It's a very long process, not something that I can make happen over night. I think I will always have this internal struggle with myself. Trying to get me to love me wholly and completely. Sorry for the long post, I just had a lot on my mind tonight I needed to get off. And now here are my most recent measurements for those who are keeping track!
Presurgery
Waist- 51 inches
Hips- 62 1/2 inches
Abdomen- 54 1/2 inches
Bust- 56 inches
Arms- 19 inches
Neck- 17 1/2 inches
Thigh- 34 1/2 inches
One Month PostSurgery
Waist- 47 inches (-4 inches)
Hips- 60 inches (-2 1/2 inches)
Abdomen- 50 inches (-4 1/2 inches)
Bust- 50 inches (-6 inches)
Arms- 18 1/2 inches (-1/2 inch)
Neck- 15 1/2 inches (-2 inches)
Thigh- 30 inches (-4 1/2 inches)
Four Months PostSurgery (inches lost since presurgery)
Waist-40 1/2 inches (-10.5 inches)
Hips- 53 1/2 inches (-9 inches)
Abdomen- 42 3/4 inches (-11.75 inches)
Bust- 45 1/2 inches (-10.5 inches)
Arms- 15 inches (-4 inches)
Neck- 14 1/2 inches (-3 inches)
Thigh- 28 inches (6.5 inches)
Six Months PostSurgery (inches lost since presurgery)
Waist- 39 1/2 inches ( -11.5 inches)
Hips- 49 inches ( -13.5 inches)
Abdomen - 40 inches ( -14.5 inches)
Bust - 44 inches ( -12 inches)
Arms - 13.5 inches ( -5.5 inches)
Neck - 14 inches (-3.5 inches)
Thigh - 25 inches ( -9.5 inches)
I've lost 70 inches total in 6 months! Holy Crow! It's awesome! Well thanks for reading if you made it this far! Love you guys!
No need to feel bad sister:) I feel like that everyday. I question too, if people like me for who I am, if my husband really loves me. Its crazy. And then the love/hate relationship with food! If I eat something that's a splurge like Chile cheese fries, or a croissant sandwich for breakfast, I enjoy it so much when I eat it, but hate myself for weeks afterward. So proud of you. Keep it up.
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